He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
