I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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