Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"