Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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