I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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