Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
