I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
