when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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