I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
