well I can't set my house on fire every night
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
