you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
