Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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