i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I want a musical about memes.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
