What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I looked at my own cervix.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
