Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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