Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
