I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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