I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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