every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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