you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
