I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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