I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
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Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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