I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
