I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
