Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
