you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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