onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
