my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
