I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize