i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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