she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
