The maid of honor just puked.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
