i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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