a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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