I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
