you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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