I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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