you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
