just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
