Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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