Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
