My room smells like vodka and shame
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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