I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
