This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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