so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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