My friends, they love my intelligence
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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