shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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