what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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