i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
