i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
