I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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