hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
