I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
