so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
