I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just found a bag of teeth...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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