I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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