Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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